Devil in my life

There are few people who are pissed off with their life, who carry all the time a same attitude of looking down on themselves, don't know whats wrong with them but still always face the hindrance in everything they do, feel like they have a mountain of responsibilities over their head and no one can understand them, because they have all peaceful and fortunate world.

No, this is not me, not at all me. I am always kind of happy and smiling, sometimes tough time do come and I feel heavy and sobbing, I don't let it stay for long, may be a day or so and I am back to the same state. Then who is it or are there more. Yes, we see many people in our life with the same characteristics. I have one or may be more, about others I will tell some other day.

Today I feel like telling about this one peculiar kind, she is of her own kind, though I understand her well, very well enough to understand when she says no, it is yes. When she says "I am okay.", there is always something big and dark behind that okay. She says "I don't know!" that means "I don't want to tell or I am not comfortable telling you." She always takes thing I say in a different way, which is always her own way.

She keeps crying all night in her bed, while she is talking to me and never let me know she is in tears and pain. I am a kind who is always blah blah...I know this is opposite, usually its a gal who keeps saying blah blah and its the guy who has to listen. She is quite, dumb at times, doesn't know what to talk, what's the problem or may be there is no problem at all or is it just me the biggest problem of her life. I don't know. I do try to understand, in my way, in her way and the more I try to know to understand I feel disappointed.

For all I know is her voice. She is good, kind hearted, very caring and loving. She would help even a stranger.   She is all good. Only think, she never speaks and every time she did, I was all left thinking about her the whole night/day. No she is not my girlfriend. Do I like her, may be I do. Does she like me, ha ha ha, yes but "just friends" tag. I don't mind. I care for her and she does as well, that is very much a matter of concern.

She is devil anyhow. She makes me stay awake most nights. Is caring for someone wrong!! I hate for the way she is but something about her is always making me stay with her. She might get lost if I am not there. Am I even supposed to feel this way, may be I am not. Who cares! only thing I want her to be happy and enjoy her life.

When you say "I love you." She says "No, we are best friends." When you say "I really care for you." She says "I don't think anyone cares for me as the way I do." Does that anyone include me. She says "I don't know." What is wrong! "I don't know." Then what the hell do you know. Her voice so wet and cracking. I know she is in tears, but I don't bother, I have decided unless she tells me she is sad, I wouldn't bother to ask again, even if I knew she isn't okay.

All I know is I care for her, I do care for all my friends, who are all lil chaps in my life. But why every time I have to feel the pain of them, when they feel I am not true. May be not everyone, only she. I am going to live my life and let her decide whether she wants to tell or not. I know she is devil, very sweet devil in my life, but devil is after all devil, with some dark qualities, not of her own, not something inducing bad, but something weakening and making you feel and carry on your head all the time. I don't want it. I can't carry it.

RIP : Devil in you should die. I will get closer to you as always.