A Fire Inside me

Keeps on Burning

A feeling of burning
inside me like a fire
which keeps me driving
n cuts me like a bonfire


I'm running from desire
while hopping to acquire
freedom from solitaire
to make my life inspire

And then I lost it...

I was at ATM to withdraw money. I took out my wallet, then oh shit, where is my Debit Card...

Before this...

I started walking home from office when I realized I need to withdraw some money needed for next few days. I went to SBI ATM near my office. I had to stand in queue for a while before my turn. I entered my pin and tried to withdraw...Oops wrong PIN..

I decided I will withdraw later at ATM near my room. I started walking towards home. I ate vada pav in the way and then walked for about 10min when I reached ATM near my place. I took out my wallet and you know what happened...

I was aghast. I lost my senses. It was second time. I felt cold. I became numb. I searched in my wallet ten times, no gain. I was sure by then, gone man. Now what will I do. I dialed the customer care number to block the card. Please enter your customer number. I entered. Luckily I was good with numbers. Please enter your mobile PIN. Oh shit, I didn't have it. I disconnected.

I called my sis and asked her to check the mobile PIN which would be somewhere in the letters in cupboard at my home(in a different city). She said she won't know, wait till Dad comes. I asked her to send me the PIN when she gets it.

By now I was running cold, I couldn't think on one thing. Thoughts and thoughts. What would I do. I didn't have money. If I blocked the card, I would have to get money for few days, until I get my new card. I thought my friend would give me some money. But what would I prove myself as, a careless dude. I didn't wanted that tag.

After that...

I decided, I will give one try of finding the card...I took a bus my way back to office area. I got down near the vada pav shop. It's the usual roadside food stall. I checked there no chance. So crowded and lot of people going every now. I went to the ATM, I asked the security guard, he said he didn't know. I searched all around the place. I hoped that ATM might have fallen near the stairs where I had jumped while going back from that place earlier. I searched searched but once you lose something its gone forever.

I was feeling pity. I couldn't think of anything positive. I wanted to shout out loud. F*** F*** what did I do. Why I was so careless. I should have kept my ATM properly. When I was trying to withdraw money earlier I read the instruction written in the ATM center - "Don't forget your ATM card."

I was furious. Didn't know what to do. I was waiting at the bus stop near that place, waiting and hoping to get the mobile PIN soon or wishing to reach my room faster so that I could connect online and check how to block the card. Nothing seemed to go my way. I was checking my mobile every now and then. I thought I would walk for a while until I reach the next bus stop. I was not able to stand nor sit. I couldn't control my self. I was about to faint.

Anybody could have used it at any mall or store to pay via card and then gone, I would have lost huge some of money. I couldn't even think of it. I was about to faint. Oh my god, how did it happen. I was walking the same way back. I came to the vada pav stall again. I thought of eating but had only 10 rupee coin. I dropped the idea of eating. I tried to call my family. I was looking around the stall. It was there...........yes my Debit card, still lying there under one foot, crushed and in dust. I pulled it. I was happy as hell...

I had lost all my hope. I didn't think I would get it. I had done all my preparations in thoughts for the next week, how would I arrange for money. I was happy. I had done it. I found my card. I found my thing. I was content. I felt satisfied, knowing that when you search for something you can find it.

"Deeply feel it and search for something you like it, you will surely find it.."

Devil in my life

There are few people who are pissed off with their life, who carry all the time a same attitude of looking down on themselves, don't know whats wrong with them but still always face the hindrance in everything they do, feel like they have a mountain of responsibilities over their head and no one can understand them, because they have all peaceful and fortunate world.

No, this is not me, not at all me. I am always kind of happy and smiling, sometimes tough time do come and I feel heavy and sobbing, I don't let it stay for long, may be a day or so and I am back to the same state. Then who is it or are there more. Yes, we see many people in our life with the same characteristics. I have one or may be more, about others I will tell some other day.

Today I feel like telling about this one peculiar kind, she is of her own kind, though I understand her well, very well enough to understand when she says no, it is yes. When she says "I am okay.", there is always something big and dark behind that okay. She says "I don't know!" that means "I don't want to tell or I am not comfortable telling you." She always takes thing I say in a different way, which is always her own way.

She keeps crying all night in her bed, while she is talking to me and never let me know she is in tears and pain. I am a kind who is always blah blah...I know this is opposite, usually its a gal who keeps saying blah blah and its the guy who has to listen. She is quite, dumb at times, doesn't know what to talk, what's the problem or may be there is no problem at all or is it just me the biggest problem of her life. I don't know. I do try to understand, in my way, in her way and the more I try to know to understand I feel disappointed.

For all I know is her voice. She is good, kind hearted, very caring and loving. She would help even a stranger.   She is all good. Only think, she never speaks and every time she did, I was all left thinking about her the whole night/day. No she is not my girlfriend. Do I like her, may be I do. Does she like me, ha ha ha, yes but "just friends" tag. I don't mind. I care for her and she does as well, that is very much a matter of concern.

She is devil anyhow. She makes me stay awake most nights. Is caring for someone wrong!! I hate for the way she is but something about her is always making me stay with her. She might get lost if I am not there. Am I even supposed to feel this way, may be I am not. Who cares! only thing I want her to be happy and enjoy her life.

When you say "I love you." She says "No, we are best friends." When you say "I really care for you." She says "I don't think anyone cares for me as the way I do." Does that anyone include me. She says "I don't know." What is wrong! "I don't know." Then what the hell do you know. Her voice so wet and cracking. I know she is in tears, but I don't bother, I have decided unless she tells me she is sad, I wouldn't bother to ask again, even if I knew she isn't okay.

All I know is I care for her, I do care for all my friends, who are all lil chaps in my life. But why every time I have to feel the pain of them, when they feel I am not true. May be not everyone, only she. I am going to live my life and let her decide whether she wants to tell or not. I know she is devil, very sweet devil in my life, but devil is after all devil, with some dark qualities, not of her own, not something inducing bad, but something weakening and making you feel and carry on your head all the time. I don't want it. I can't carry it.

RIP : Devil in you should die. I will get closer to you as always.

My friends love story - 2

We were in canteen for our dinner, I took the usual dish for dinner, but she was like oops, nothing in her plate. I was wondering whats that. She said "I take this much only." I said "hey what is it". Then she told me that many people told her that she was fat, so she was on diet. "ON DIET!!", do you even look like being on diet I thought. Oh, you don't know how she looks like right. She is gorgeous always. In college, she was charming and beautiful girl with smile on her face, except in the final year for me it was "go away from me" look, apart from that she was all smiles and jovial all the time. Now she was a young beautiful lady, taking care of her looks and her figure, by eating only boiled vegetables and some soup. She was outstanding. She could have bagged the Miss College title easily.

She then told me, about what was new with her in this college. She had changed a lot. She was staying in hostel, so she told me the rule, "If it is said, that this should not be done, doesn't mean, that we don't do it ;)". The naughty smile and look, told all the story, she was managing well in bending rules. She asked me to finish dinner soon, there was something important she wanted to tell me. I usually eat fast, but that day I was tired, had a rough day, I had dry throat, couldn't finish it faster. There she went on telling more and more of stuff, what happened in this one year with her and how she led her new college life. I was done with my dinner and we went out. It was her daily routine of a walk in the evening for an hour and today there was me alongside her.

We started at 9 or so, she took me to the entrance of the college and told we will walk from there and take a complete circle around the campus. Then she asked me if there was any girl in my life, had I progressed? Had I! no ways. Being in the group of innocent buds, I never came to know what is girlfriend and relationship. But she had a complete different story to tell. She started with "There is a guy. You know he is kind of cute. I like him very much. In fact very very much." Then she told me each and every feeling of her for him. How she used to feel when she saw him during the canteen. How she paused for a while take a look at him and smiled. She was in sky high floating in the clouds of love. She was deeply in love with him.

She couldn't sleep without having a talk with him. He was all over him. She hadn't yet talked about it to him. She said "Why should I? It's always a guys move." She had a strange smile on her face. I could see my friend had changed a lot, changed in a way to be in love, love that was so innocent and so deep. I could feel it in the air. It was an hour by now. We were tired by then for sure. She chose to sit at the same tree where I met her earlier that evening. It was dark and chirps of the crickets were clear. There was a light breeze in the air. She had spread romance all over with her talk.

She was ace in studies. Always only grades in her mind. Only grades I tell you. I could have given 10 marks in a go anytime, just making sure I had got minimum score to get through. Whereas she used to score almost double in many subjects than me, still she used to crave for 1 more mark and feel sad if she got one less than she expected. I could never understand why. She had decided him to be her life partner. She was on weekly one day fast for him. She used to pray when he had exams. When he was not confident about some subject, she used to be on fast on the day of his exam. She was following all the rituals that Indian girls do to get a "Prince of her dreams." Man I was jealous, why can't boys have something like that, so that at least we could feel nice that who ever walks in to our life, will be "Princess of my dream."

I was getting late. It was 10.15. I had to report max by 11 at my training center. And it was almost half hour journey. I was looking at my watch. She was not convinced to let me go. May be she had to let all her feelings out. She had tons n tons of love for him. She couldn't hold it inside. She didn't wanted to express her love for him, before he did. She had to let some of her feeling escape from her heart. She chose me. Glad as I was, it was some kind of happiness and smile, to see my friend in love, someone sharing so deep feelings with me. I was now her best friend, may be the only one close.

We knew we would meet after long time coz later that week I was going to far off place. I would come home once in 6 months. I wanted to know what happens in her love life. I couldn't wait. I was excited to see her love to be complete. I had to leave that day. With the flow that she had and the way she was expressing, if there was no time limit, she would have continued whole night I guess! From her college I had to walk around a km in dark which was leading to the highway. It was real dark........!!! worried what happened later that night my way to back the center......see you in next post

Black Day in Academics

I felt like its over now. I was going through the question paper and I was not even aware of what the questions are related to. It was not the first time that I was facing this. Most of papers in engineering were a perfect blow for me. I never attempted above 60 in most of the papers and almost scored 36 in  2 of the 6 subjects in each semester. It was not that I was not interested in writing. I was not even having the slightest idea of most the questions which were being asked in exam papers....

Hence, it should not have been a trouble for me to see that most questions were out of box for me. I was having some issue in my mind at that time. My mind was running wild with those thoughts. I was not even interested to write anything in the paper, though it was true that I was not knowing anything on the other hand this time. I quickly went through the paper and counted how much max I could attempt. I found at max if I got full on full for every question that I attempt I would have got 28. Now that was not enough. I needed 36 at least.

I glanced around in the room, every one was busy looking into their question paper and scribbling in the answer sheets. It was 10 min by now. And it felt as if 1 hr has passed by. I was not writing anything. I was all calculating, what could be that I can write in other questions so that I might get 8 more marks or was there any question that I could attempt and get clear. Most questions were 8 marks each. 

I read the question paper like 10 times and still no catch. I was furious with the thoughts. The thoughts of me not focusing while studying earlier that day. I was just pissed off with my attitude of just ignoring the pressure. I was angry, furious and irritated at myself. I could hear my heartbeat clearly, pounding like I have finished 100m race a second ago. It was raging like in a bulls race. My thoughts all flowing, across the semester, thinking of what I did. I could see my results in hand. I could see I was going to fail. I was not able to think. Time has paused for me. I couldn't bear it any longer. I wrote the two fill in the blanks. I picked up the answer sheet and went to the invigilators desk and got it signed and stepped out of the exam hall.

I knew I had taken a biggest decision of my life in a most crooked way and idiotically walked out. No one was surprised though, because by now they know that I walk off the exam hall within 2hrs. That day it was early though, just 15min passed the question paper was given. It could be embarrassing for me but I was not able to bear the pain. It was too much wild feeling in that hall. I went to library nearby spent some time there and went home after sufficient 3hrs.

It was clear I was going to fail. I had flunked my engineering exams. My future, which rested entirely on my results, I knew I had just made sure I would make it a dark chapter. I was not able to bear it even then. I didn't study later that day. Next time too I didn't do well. Three months later when results came I knew I was going to be in the ATKT (Allowed to keep term) list. There I was, with two backlogs. I should have shed my day in tears, but shockingly the results were darn. Only 2 of my classmates were able to clear that subject completely and 4 got grace marks for that subject out of 60 students. So no one thought, it was a big deal, to be flunked in the pool as the paper itself was crap. I don't know why so many guys flunked, but my reason was not the subject nor the questions. I had flunked because of furious thoughts in my mind.....about which I will tell you in the next post.

My friends love story - 1

It has been 18 months that I haven't talked to her. I had some issue with her, which made her away from me. It was strange to hear her voice, after such a long time felt like decade, but her voice was still the same, very sweet, though matured and composed by now. She said "hello, yes, who is this." I said "Its me." Then we talked for 15min or so. I was afraid to talk to her, didn't know what to say, how to say. I thought of calling her many times but was not sure how to proceed. After having a talk with her, now I feel, I was way too unnecessarily worried. I know she hated me the most during that time when things were odd between us. Everyday we used to see each others face in college but never used to talk. She has some kind of disgusted look on her face whenever she used be around me, that made me be away from her. I never had the guts to go and ask what's the issue. It was all unspoken means of saying, go away from me, don't be around me I hate you kind of look on her face.

It was an hour I had a talk with her, I was in my hostel room of my training center and she was in her hostel room of her college in the same city but it felt she was miles n miles apart and the distances seemed to kill me. I had to meet her. I cannot stay away from any longer. I had wanted to meet her soon.

My training was going to over in few days and I was going to move to a very far off place from here. I was feeling wet. Something from inside sinking, making me realize I had to meet her. I called her later that week and asked her  if we could meet. She said "Okay". It was my second last day at training and we decided to meet that evening, as next day I would be leaving for home in the evening.

I called her up as the training session got over by 6. She told me to meet at her college campus. It was not much far just half hour journey. I reached her campus and man it was a cool campus. All around greenery and beautiful buildings of various departments. For one moment I felt, like I was in some London college. There she came, from behind the woods, where I was staying there stood a huge tree, marking the entrance into the campus building, which read "STRUCTURAL ENGINEERING" department. It was a piece of  architecture, though later I came to know it was not her department.

She took me around in the college, when the sky was getting dark. She showed me various departments she was involved in and various labs that she used to practice in. It was almost dark and the lamp posts were on. She took me to the backyards of the college, where the was a parking lot and a huge trodden ground which was going to be used to include new departments. We reached the canteen, by then she told me about her scores in class and her only classmate she had and how she went along with her. She was all talking, she was sweet as always. I was happy that I managed to meet her. I got my friend back.

We went into the canteen for dinner...later part of the story in next post.....